This Thing Called Motherhood

Today my lovely daughter spent all but about an hour of the afternoon screaming at me. All out high-pitched screaming. Who even knows why. At one point, she screamed for about a half an hour straight. I think that time it was because she asked for a snack and I said "maybe later." She started the whole episode by spending all of "naptime" screaming up in her room while she refused to get in bed and go to sleep. Naturally, I just left her up there. She often complains at first, then crawls into bed of her own accord and falls asleep. She still really needs her nap (as do I), so I don't really feel to bad about letting her settle into it like that. But today she never settled. And she really screamed, which she doesn't usually do. She's not sick or anything like that. Just angry for some reason. Well, at the point of that half-hour screaming session, I lost it. I don't know how anyone could not lose it with that going on. It makes my head feel like it will explode. And I reach a point where I just can't take anymore. And because my children are ages 2 and 3, I can't get away. There is no going outside or taking a walk to calm down. There's nowhere to go inside the house to get away from the screaming. So, I screamed back. As you can imagine, that didn't go over very well and Kate screamed all the more. I guess it also didn't make me feel any better.

I just don't understand. I don't understand why Kate does this. Why was she screaming? Why didn't any of my efforts to calm her work? Why did she dig in and go all out? And how in the world am I supposed to live with that? Even for a half hour? I try ignoring it and I go crazy just listening to it. It really is impossible to ignore. I try giving in and she still screams. I try threatening punishment and she still screams. I try punishing and she screams even harder, but never actually stops. I try staying calm and trying to direct her to other things and she screams some more, this time screaming "no" at the top of her lungs straight at me. I'm not sure what else I am supposed to do. I simply cannot handle my child in this situation. Nothing works and it makes me completely insane. These are the times that I really, really hate being a mother. That's right, I said it. I hate being a mother when she is like this. I want nothing more than to pass her off to someone else and leave. I guess I'm not all that irresponsible, though, because I didn't actually leave. I stayed. I slammed a couple of doors, did some screaming myself, banged on the wall and even threw a chair (not at anyone or anything and actually it only went a couple of feet). (Who could stand the screaming without losing it like I did?? I really want to know and challenge that person to actually live with Kate and endure her like I have to and come out the other end not absolutely hating her. Too bad no one will ever have the same experience with her as me. Because no one will ever understand what it is like and how hard it is to be her mother on days like this.) But I stayed. I did not abandon my too-young-to-be-left-alone-in-the-house children and leave. Even though I desparately wanted to. So there. I guess that redeems me.